It's funny how powerful words are. Frankly, its power scares the shit of me sometimes. Day to day, we speak with such conviction and confidence, making proclamations and hard-boiled statements in a manner that suggests we actually know what the hell we are talking about even when we don't.
Does that seem a little messed up to you?
Words, written or spoken, have always been an intriguing concept to me. Oftentimes, images and ideas never fully formalize until they are spoken out loud, written on paper, or sent off in an e-mail to a friend. Then, words, depending on their order, a person's voice inflections, another's expressions, can change from time to time. Perhaps that's why oral performances have played such an influential role in history. Other times, words are crap. Plain crap. It's the danger of words, as if the world is a giant playground and we're all stuck in a neverending game of "Telephone." Suzy started with 'butterfly' and somehow, five thousand conversations later, Alex ended up with 'frog.' Yes, it makes no sense. It's not supposed to.
We all say one thing now and mean another thing later. To be honest, nothing is ever set in stone. Nothing is ever permanent. Friends forever is hardly literal. Always and forever? Utter bullshit. Saying that you want to become a lawyer? Who knows how that's going to turn out? That's possibly the most frightening thing about life and yet the most exhilirating (after all, those concepts seem to go hand-in-hand more often than not).
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but it's something I've become hyperaware of lately. I've also become more aware of the way I present myself, the ways I am comfortable in my own skin, and the manner in which I carry myself around others. I've realized that a lot has changed in the past year/year and a half and I've almost come to a point where I can't handle my emotions anymore and frankly do not want to discuss it with others. It's almost as if I gravitate towards superficial, fleeting conversations to avoid breaking down the barrier I'm slowly building around my heart. Or, I guess the other way to look at this is -- I'm simply getting on with my life and getting used to the new routines that I've come my way. Either way, it's interesting to find value in what others say to me and constantly re-evaluate the way I'm acting and reacting. The words and expressions I choose to use in what I believe are lame attempts to convey what I want to say or what I'm thinking. The way words sometimes truly do not speak louder than actions and the way words sometimes do.
Call it a little bit of self-introspection. Or call it bull...whatever it is, it's what has been running through my head for the past few months.
3 comments:
One thing I realized growing up is that words can be pretty cheap, and so can most conversations. As a kid I always remembered being totally okay with sitting in complete silence with somebody. Somewhere down the line I realized that this silence was supposedly "awkward" and that my duty as an English-speaking being was to stave it off. Thus the cheapness of words, a means-to-an-end filler meant to sustain our dependency on constant noise.
I eventually started assuming that most people understand that nobody ever really means what they say. I thought broken agreements and forgotten conversations were part of some weird unwritten rule.
I don't think it's something to lament though. You just adapt, learn not to put so much faith in people's words, and rather put your faith in their actions. Less literal, but infinitely more powerful.
What I've started doing is paying really close attention to tone and syntax -- maybe it was the courses I took last quarter, but I've really changed how I look at language. For instance for lunch today my dad and my brother went out and got food and brought it back to the hotel -- mom said they didn't get enough vegetarian options for will and me, and I said "but will went WITH him" and she got really pissed off at me because of my "tone" -- so I've decided to (when I don't actually mean anything) to say things in a neutral tone now, with basically no emphasis.
That, coupled with how I've always thought specific word choice was the most important thing you can do (leave and go, for instance, are NOT synonyms like most people think) means I'll (hopefully) have, like, a ridiculous grasp on the english language soon enough.
Reading your blog motivates and inspires me to write more often
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