Disoriented

I seem calm -- like everything is OK, like nothing is really that different. I try to get myself caught up in the little moments in each day. I'm trying so hard to focus on now and not worry about the growing uncertainty that lurks right around the corner. Easier said than done, right? Especially for a person like me, who always gets caught up in one little thought that bothers me and can hold onto it for an entire day. A person like me, who is always thinking about the future, what I am going to do with my life, what is going to happen next.

I'm trying to learn, with the help of the people around me. And, if I must say so myself, I think I am slowly finding that happy balance. I'm learning to let things go if they really are no big deal. I'm learning to go with the flow and truly be happy in the moment. I'm learning to do things on a whim if necessary.

But this next threshold is the big. I don't even know what to expect. I don't think it has even hit me yet that I am no longer going to be living in sunny California. Perhaps I am even in denial. I really don't know. I'm feeling about ten thousand different types of emotions at once and I think that's where this calm is coming from. The total uncertainty of what is to come. I don't know what to expect, what's going to happen, how my current friendships are going to play out, how my life truly will unwind and all this fear, excitement, anxiety, confusion, happiness, sadness, nostalgia has bundled it up into one giant ball of calm. After all, there's no other way to deal with this, right? There's no point in worrying, and I have no doubt that I have a blast and make the most of my time in college.

I don't know why I chose that picture., but I feel like it aptly describes how I feel right now. There's a lot of things I have to and want to do within the last week here in California, but there is so little time that I guarantee a lot of it will fall through. Right now, I just want to make the most of the time I have left.