Never easy, never ready

I've spent the last few days with my dearest friends. One fulfilled a promise and took me to Santa Cruz beach, where I haven't gone since I was about ten. The beach was barren of the expected sun-tanners and beach bums, but I loved the cloudy skies and windy surf. The beach is almost better when there is no one around and all you can really hear is the sound of waves crashing against the shore.

Then I hit the outlets with my lovely girls. I must say, we had quite a successful outing and I loved the in-between moments especially. I loved driving, with Janise knitting next to me and Stephanie knitting behind me as Janise blasted great road-trip music. Before getting onto 85, we went to Rose's where we had a hearty brunch. And I have for you, my vegetarian omelet and wheat toast.



It's funny how some of the most memorable things are those unexpected moments that happen in between the planning. It's those instances where your plans sort of fall apart and it's simply better go to with the flow.

I'm in complete denial. I'm not ready to leave everything behind and head off to the Windy City. These remaining days have been spent saying goodbye to friends, and the more I say it, the more real it seems to get, especially with as the days shrink down to three. I'm not a fan of this finality. To be honest, the "goodbyes" are scaring the crap out of me. I'm trying my hardest to just hang out and have fun, but my mind has a life of its own and refuses to let me forget that I am leaving all of this behind. Come to think of it, I'm not scared of the classes. I'm not worried about meeting people or just hanging out and exploring the area with new friends. What really makes my hands numb and my chest sink is the fact that I am leaving sunny California behind. It's as simple as that. I'm frightened that I will lose the sense of myself that sunny California has helped build. I'm scared of losing all that sunny California stands for: the friends, the memories, the talks, the good times, and even the bittersweet times. More importantly, I'm scared of losing sense of myself. As I type this, I can hear my friends reassuring me and telling me that there is nothing to worry about. As usual, I know that I have nothing to worry about, but that is all I can really worry about.

With all the packing, a tornado has hit my room, and I believe I will be sleeping on the couch tonight.